Patience: Zip It Up, Let it Go

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

We recently acquired a puppy that is so cute his tiny face makes me melt. This soft, adorable little creature also has me examining my sanity on a daily basis. Potty training a two-year-old child and a two-month-old dog at the same time is not something I recommend to anyone, even people I don’t like.

We were on a roll earlier this week – there were several days in a row that I didn’t have to clean any “solid” accidents of the human or canine nature off the carpet. Today I have not been so fortunate.

These exercises in potty and house training have me thinking about a quality that is all too elusive some days: patience. Why do some people have the patience to see past a tornado in their living room, and others lose their cool over something like, well, a turd on the floor?

As consumers, we are not very patient. We can buy just about anything years before paying for it – cars, furniture, homes. We can cash out paychecks well in advance of actually receiving them. We like fast food, fast computers, fast roads, fast results. I actually found myself saying yesterday that I run (for exercise) because I’m not patient enough for walking. It takes too long.

We have successfully eliminated the need for patience in many aspects of our lives. But our drive for everything instant has many of us juggling so much that our patience is in short supply for the times when need it the most: parenting.

I recently offered 20 moms a list of five parenting challenges and asked them to rank them in order of most to least difficult. Thirteen of them ranked “having patience for their kids” as their top challenge.

Patience is certainly an admirable virtue, but is it a personality trait like being shy or funny, or is patience a choice? Can we wire ourselves to be more patient? I believe we can and have two observations.

One of the most patient people I know is my sister-in-law Julie. She rarely raises her voice and encourages vast amounts of creativity, exploration and independence in her kids. I believe her abundant patience comes from letting go of many concerns that ultimately have little real value – things like maintaining strict schedules, following conventional wisdom, or acquiring trendy material possessions.

Letting go of immaterial matters liberates her to focuses on issues of character, kindness, and serving others that have lasting effects. It’s no accident her nine children are among the smartest, most considerate and well-adjusted young people I know.

I’ve witnessed the value of “letting go” in other parents I admire. My sister Sheila raised four children all of whom are good cooks. I asked her how she accomplished this. “If you want your kids to enjoy cooking, you need to put up with a messy kitchen.”

Putting up with a messy kitchen? Is that possible?

This leads me to my second observation for boosting patience: zip it up. Rather than badgering her kids to “be careful,” “don’t spill,” and “clean up that mess,” my sister bit her tongue and let go of her desire for a shiny, tidy kitchen.

In sign language, “patience” is communicated by moving your thumb down across your closed lips. In other words, patience equals shutting your mouth. I try to remind myself of this sign when I want to blow a gasket because my kids aren’t listening or are acting all together too childish.

This can also be an effective tool when dealing with husbands, clients, co-workers or any frustrating situation.

It really works. The simple act of choking back the cutting comment or command before it leaves my mouth somehow defuses an emotional or frustrating situation and makes way for a patient, reasoned response.

I still blow the gasket much more often than I’d like. But there is no denying, peace and happiness reign supreme when I manage to just zip it up and let it go.

Lessons in Leadership from Ed Schafer

Some like to believe that the only way people succeed in this world is by birth right or by reaching the top through unscrupulous manners. I reject this notion.

I prefer the “cream rises to the top” theory. Sure there are cases where people deceive others and manipulate themselves into positions of power and wealth, but generally I believe you reap what you sow. Most people who rise to high leadership positions do so because they are outstanding – smart, loyal, and fair people who readily embrace hard work.

So it is with great satisfaction that I’ve watched Ed Schafer reach the pinnacle of his career – exceeding even his own wildest dreams to become a United State’s Cabinet Secretary.

Every effective leader offers certain strengths. Here are some valuable qualities I observed in Ed Schafer.

Everyone matters: Ed respects the people cleaning his office as much as a dignitary with a fancy title. He and Nancy always paid a visit to the cooks in the kitchen at community events – and often helped them work. We joked that some of Ed’s closest advisors were the people at the gas station where he bought his daily Big Gulp. His sincerity and fondness for people has earned him loads of good will throughout our state.

Have faith in individuals: Hire good people, discover their strengths and then allow them to do their job. Ed Schafer trusts the advice of staff people (even if it occasionally proves to be wrong.) More than that, his faith in people is the foundation for his belief that the best solutions to society’s challenges rest not in government but in the creative minds and ingenuity of individuals.

Be positive: Ed Schafer is more likely to see possibilities than problems. He isn’t afraid to pursue big ideas, and his optimism is contagious. When Ed was elected governor, North Dakotans were down on our luck and our future. What a contrast to today, when hundreds of North Dakotans stood up to defend our state against a shallow and biased picture painted by the National Geographic. This turn around in spirit began with Ed Schafer.

Don’t take yourself too seriously: It’s okay to laugh and have fun, even at your own expense. And it’s certainly okay to break with tradition. In his campaign for governor in 1992, Ed Schafer was the one who started walking through the crowds of parade goers rather than waving stiffly from the back end of a convertible.

A favorite memory that illustrates both his and Nancy’s good humor comes from their “Capitol for a Day” program. I still chuckle when I think of Nancy Schafer running down the streets of Wilton in her business suit and high heels, pushing a twin bed that held a helmet-wearing Lt. Governor Rose Marie Myrdal. Nancy was determined to beat Ed, who was pushing an opposing team’s bed right beside her.

Leaders like Ed Schafer inspire loyalty and good will, make you want to do more and be better. They rise to the top of their game, and bring others with them. They leave a lasting impression on the organizations and people they touch.

We can all learn from the examples set by Ed Schafer. The people at the USDA will certainly benefit from their time with him.