Promises, Promises

Two weeks from now, we will have a new president, I hope. That’s assuming the election is actually decided by the voters not the courts. Please let that be the case.

As much as I’ve enjoyed this 12-month Olympic Games of politics, I’m ready for it to be over. I am weary of the process. The pundits are annoying. The campaign “surrogates” are predictable and offer no interesting insights. And the stunts, pandering and platitudes are so transparent sometimes all a person can do is laugh.

In an earnest website video, McCain promises to “rebuild our savings and make our investments grow again.” A cornerstone of his plan is allowing homeowners the chance to trade in “burdensome” mortgages for “manageable” ones.

While he’s at it, he may as well just erase those darned mortgages altogether. Not only are they burdensome, they are irritating. And I could buy a lot more fun stuff if it weren’t for that tiresome house payment every, single, month.

McCain also promises to create a National Commission on Workplace Flexibility and Choice. Their purpose isn’t entirely clear, but I believe they will explore ways to ensure that not only are we free to choose where we work, but when, how much and what we will be paid. I’ll be giving myself a huge raise if McCain wins.

Because he’s behind in the polls, McCain’s floating a real game changer -- a “Jeans Day, Every Day,” mandate. But don’t go stocking up on Levi’s yet. The Workplace Flexibility Commission won’t convene until the Straight Talk Express concludes a nationwide schedule of Volunteerism Summits. McCain wants to complete the “Thousand Points of Light” by Christmas.

As for Obama, it’s not surprising he’s ahead in the polls. When elected president, he will end discrimination and poverty, eliminate high school drop outs and ensure that all students receive a quality education.

And that’s just the first 100 days.

After that, he promises a living wage for all working families, mandatory retirement accounts for everyone and a week’s worth of paid sick leave in every job -- guaranteed. I heard he might even eliminate sickness altogether.

Have no fear all you business people who are worried about these requirements. You can always take up farming. When Obama is president his website said he will make farming both stable and predictable. The head of his new Climate Control Commission will be Mother Nature. Brilliant!

Obama has a lot of goodies in store for parents too. His “Zero to Five” plan calls for universal pre-school beginning at age zero. Read my lips, “NO MORE PARENTING!” Cool -- because the thing about parenting is, it’s such a big responsibility, and so much work.

My favorite Obama promise is “pain-free deliveries.” Where was he the last eight years when I was having babies?

Obama’s speech writers have already begun working on his inaugural address. It will be a moving speech, flawlessly delivered, echoing the words of beloved past American leaders with a modern twist.

“Ask not what you can do for your country,” our new president will say. “Ask what your country can do for you.”