Can We Fix It? Yes We can!

I’ve been cleaning up a lot of messes lately – the product of little boys more focused on destruction than construction. One recent disaster resulted from a war waged with Styrofoam weapons they fashioned from a large box of packing materials awaiting garbage pickup.

I spent several hours with a vacuum sucking little white foam dots out of the garage and our house. Nothing was safe from that hose. I even vacuumed my kids – it was the only way I could get those clingy little beads out of their hair.

Despite my vacuuming prowess, Styrofoam snow continues to appear everywhere. In our beds, washing machine, yard, my neighbor’s house and virtually the entire block. Apparently Styrofoam is like hair, you pluck one and two more come out for its funeral.

The next day, my wrecking crew took to the basement with a rousing round of toy dumping. Every parent’s favorite. If it was plastic or wood and made in China, it was on my floor -- hundreds of disparate pieces.

While evaluating the damage, a shattered basement window I had discovered earlier in the week stared me in the face. I know I heard it say, “Don’t kid yourself lady. The damage has just begun.”

During a few moments of calm before his nap, my four-year-old and I had the first in what promises to be a series of talks about being a builder not a breaker. As we were discussing ways to be constructive rather than destructive, it dawned on me that this behavior – the urge to break down rather than build up – is hardly limited to children.

We see it in our work places, where people often choose to criticize or deflate rather than applaud the work of coworkers or the intentions of their boss.

We see it among friends, neighbors or acquaintances who choose to let jealousy rather than joy rule their reaction when good things happen to someone else.

And we certainly see it in politics. So polarized and competitive are today’s political parties that it’s a rare and notable occasion when one side reacts positively to a smart policy decision or idea from the opposing party.

In both children and adults, our actions are a clear and personal choice. We choose to be constructive or destructive, and live with the results. This is what I’m hoping my children learn.

There’s one obvious difference between the destruction caused by kids and adults however. Adults typically harm a person rather than a pile of plastic toys. And the damage can’t be fixed by a few hours of sorting or vacuuming.

As I sat with my earnest little pre-schooler, my mind flashed to him as teenager. I remembered the pack of young men my husband and I heard tipping over garbage dumpster’s downtown recently, and I imagined any number of dangerous and destructive behaviors that will tempt him throughout his life.

Driving cars or motorcycles just a little bit too fast. Dating girls just a little too fast. Alcohol, drugs, violence, pornography.

All of a sudden, my frustration over the messy Styrofoam, mixed-up toys and broken window seemed ridiculous. And I had the overwhelming urge to surround my son with Legos and spend the afternoon promoting the advantages of construction vs destruction. Maybe I should throw in a little Bob the Builder, just for good measure.

“Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

The Power of Forgiveness

The image of Silda Wall Spitzer is something I can’t forget -- a once mighty corporate attorney with a Harvard law degree wilting like a dying flower next to the man she once adored.

When news broke of now former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s habitual trysts with “posh” prostitutes, I went into search mode trying to find something that would explain it. An estranged marriage, a bitter wife, anything that might tell why a man who had everything, and promise for even more, would wreak such pain and devastation on his family and himself.

What I discovered made his actions even more senseless. All reports told of a happy marriage and family. All testimonials about his wife describe a woman who is extremely smart, kind, witty and fun to be around.

And pictures to support this portrait are plentiful – a beautiful wife beaming with pride at his side or looking admiringly at him. Smiles, smiles everywhere – such a contrast to the grim photos of her looking deflated and disheveled at his side while he confirmed for the world the truth about his numerous infidelities.

In a 2005 New York Times article, Spitzer talked about his wife’s “deeply held sense of ethics,” and said he relies on her very much as someone to talk to “in order to resolve a tough issue.” Too bad he didn’t talk to her about whatever “tough issues” were driving him to pay other women a lot of money for sex.

As I look at pictures of this devastated woman, I wonder if forgiveness will be possible for her. Is it possible to forgive such selfish and reckless behavior? A small part of me, I’m sorry to admit, hopes it is not.

I stumbled recently across an interesting effort called “The Forgiveness Project.” It gathers stories about forgiveness from people throughout the world – people who have endured horrific pain and injustice.

The organizer of the project has concluded that the idea of forgiveness causes dramatically different reactions in people.

Some, perhaps many, people see forgiveness as a weakness, a cop out, a way to let their enemies off the hook. To people in this camp, forgiving an awful deed shelters perpetrators from the justice they are due.

This project has created an exhibition about forgiveness. Its provocative title, “The F Word” is intended to speak to those who think forgiveness is a dirty word.

But others see forgiveness in the opposite light -- as the ultimate form of power. Mariane Pearl falls into this category. Remember her husband Daniel Pearl? He was the Wall Street Journal reporter who was kidnapped and subsequently beheaded by terrorists in Pakistan a few years ago. A video of his brutal murder was posted on the Internet for everyone to see.

Mariane Pearl said of her husband’s killers, “The only way to oppose them is by demonstrating the strength that they think they have taken from you.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu is another believer in the liberating power of forgiveness. “Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done,” he told The Forgiveness Project. “It means taking what has happened seriously and not minimizing it; drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens to poison our entire existence.”

I like these ideas. Forgiving does not mean surrendering or crawling into a pit with the weak and timid.

Forgiveness is an expression of power – that’s why it’s so difficult to do. Remaining bitter and angry and oppressed is easy, natural. But to forgive? That requires strength. You must be strong to forgive.

This is the message of Christ at Easter – our most powerful role model of forgiveness. It’s a message of hope for Silda Wall Spitzer and everyone facing wrongs large and small that challenge us, in due time, to forgive and live.

Defined by a Word, a Pooh or a Shoe

When I was in college a friend of mine once declared, “Julie, if you were a shoe you’d be a plain, brown wedge!”

Those of us gathered at the time proceeded to have an amusing discussion about what kind of shoe best described each of us – a spiky patent-leather pump, a penny loafer, a running shoe, or perhaps a comfy slipper … We were able to capture each personality with a shoe type amazingly well.

My children recently hit me with a different kind of personality profile – this one had a distinct pre-school twist. “Mom,” they said. “You’re just like Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh.”

Rabbit? Grouchy, humorless, all-business-no-play Rabbit?

OUCH! This is considerably more troubling than being a plain, brown wedge. So, I responded defensively, “OK, if I’m Rabbit, what’s daddy?”

You already know their response. “Tigger,” they chimed in unison, as if I should already know that. I rolled my eyes and briefly wondered if they had premeditated the entire conversation to destroy my self-image as a mother. Then I remembered one of them is eyeing a career as Santa Claus and another still worries about falling down the toilet.

It could be worse, I thought, at least they didn’t call me Eeyore. I have since overcome this heartless assault by convincing myself this is the plight of all mothers. We are the schedule keepers and task masters. Daddies bounce in for fun and games – wrestling, chasing, and whipping everyone into a frenzy right before bedtime. Moms assume the thankless job of restoring order and calm, just like trusty ole, underappreciated Rabbit.

The Pooh personality test is an entertaining exercise. With a little generalization, just about everyone can be cast as a character in Pooh. Hillary Clinton is quintessential Rabbit -- purposeful, policy-oriented, serious. Barack Obama personifies Roo – young, energetic and optimistic. George Bush could be Pooh – friendly and affable. John Kerry was Eeyore – negative and naysaying. John Hoeven is Christopher Robin – deliberate and astute, like an older brother.

The book “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert briefly explores a similar notion, that people and places can be defined by a single word. For example, New York City’s word is ACHIEVE. Los Angeles is SUCCESS. John McCain is SURVIVE.

I’ve enjoyed trying to find the perfect words to define people and places near me. Fargo is AMBITION. Bismarck is HOME. Dickinson is RESOURCEFUL. My mom’s word is FAMILY, while my dad’s is clearly PROVIDE. My husband is PLAYFUL.

As for me, I’ve somewhat begrudgingly accepted that my word is SENSIBLE. I tried hard to find a more captivating term, but ultimately sensible is what I am. I love a good bargain, a meaningful conversation, and saving time and money. I live for schedules and lists, although I certainly am not ORGANIZED. I enjoy going out but rarely have “too much fun.” Suffering ill consequences the next day is just not sensible.

Interestingly, my friends essentially pegged me with this term 20 years ago when they called me a “plain brown wedge.”

This begs the question, how much can we change our basic nature? Can Bismarck become “hip?” Probably. Can I? Probably not. But I can appreciate others around me who embody different words, shoe types or characters from the Hundred Acre Wood. I need Tiggers around to make me step out of my sensible, plain-brown wedges from time to time.

Patience: Zip It Up, Let it Go

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

We recently acquired a puppy that is so cute his tiny face makes me melt. This soft, adorable little creature also has me examining my sanity on a daily basis. Potty training a two-year-old child and a two-month-old dog at the same time is not something I recommend to anyone, even people I don’t like.

We were on a roll earlier this week – there were several days in a row that I didn’t have to clean any “solid” accidents of the human or canine nature off the carpet. Today I have not been so fortunate.

These exercises in potty and house training have me thinking about a quality that is all too elusive some days: patience. Why do some people have the patience to see past a tornado in their living room, and others lose their cool over something like, well, a turd on the floor?

As consumers, we are not very patient. We can buy just about anything years before paying for it – cars, furniture, homes. We can cash out paychecks well in advance of actually receiving them. We like fast food, fast computers, fast roads, fast results. I actually found myself saying yesterday that I run (for exercise) because I’m not patient enough for walking. It takes too long.

We have successfully eliminated the need for patience in many aspects of our lives. But our drive for everything instant has many of us juggling so much that our patience is in short supply for the times when need it the most: parenting.

I recently offered 20 moms a list of five parenting challenges and asked them to rank them in order of most to least difficult. Thirteen of them ranked “having patience for their kids” as their top challenge.

Patience is certainly an admirable virtue, but is it a personality trait like being shy or funny, or is patience a choice? Can we wire ourselves to be more patient? I believe we can and have two observations.

One of the most patient people I know is my sister-in-law Julie. She rarely raises her voice and encourages vast amounts of creativity, exploration and independence in her kids. I believe her abundant patience comes from letting go of many concerns that ultimately have little real value – things like maintaining strict schedules, following conventional wisdom, or acquiring trendy material possessions.

Letting go of immaterial matters liberates her to focuses on issues of character, kindness, and serving others that have lasting effects. It’s no accident her nine children are among the smartest, most considerate and well-adjusted young people I know.

I’ve witnessed the value of “letting go” in other parents I admire. My sister Sheila raised four children all of whom are good cooks. I asked her how she accomplished this. “If you want your kids to enjoy cooking, you need to put up with a messy kitchen.”

Putting up with a messy kitchen? Is that possible?

This leads me to my second observation for boosting patience: zip it up. Rather than badgering her kids to “be careful,” “don’t spill,” and “clean up that mess,” my sister bit her tongue and let go of her desire for a shiny, tidy kitchen.

In sign language, “patience” is communicated by moving your thumb down across your closed lips. In other words, patience equals shutting your mouth. I try to remind myself of this sign when I want to blow a gasket because my kids aren’t listening or are acting all together too childish.

This can also be an effective tool when dealing with husbands, clients, co-workers or any frustrating situation.

It really works. The simple act of choking back the cutting comment or command before it leaves my mouth somehow defuses an emotional or frustrating situation and makes way for a patient, reasoned response.

I still blow the gasket much more often than I’d like. But there is no denying, peace and happiness reign supreme when I manage to just zip it up and let it go.

Lessons in Leadership from Ed Schafer

Some like to believe that the only way people succeed in this world is by birth right or by reaching the top through unscrupulous manners. I reject this notion.

I prefer the “cream rises to the top” theory. Sure there are cases where people deceive others and manipulate themselves into positions of power and wealth, but generally I believe you reap what you sow. Most people who rise to high leadership positions do so because they are outstanding – smart, loyal, and fair people who readily embrace hard work.

So it is with great satisfaction that I’ve watched Ed Schafer reach the pinnacle of his career – exceeding even his own wildest dreams to become a United State’s Cabinet Secretary.

Every effective leader offers certain strengths. Here are some valuable qualities I observed in Ed Schafer.

Everyone matters: Ed respects the people cleaning his office as much as a dignitary with a fancy title. He and Nancy always paid a visit to the cooks in the kitchen at community events – and often helped them work. We joked that some of Ed’s closest advisors were the people at the gas station where he bought his daily Big Gulp. His sincerity and fondness for people has earned him loads of good will throughout our state.

Have faith in individuals: Hire good people, discover their strengths and then allow them to do their job. Ed Schafer trusts the advice of staff people (even if it occasionally proves to be wrong.) More than that, his faith in people is the foundation for his belief that the best solutions to society’s challenges rest not in government but in the creative minds and ingenuity of individuals.

Be positive: Ed Schafer is more likely to see possibilities than problems. He isn’t afraid to pursue big ideas, and his optimism is contagious. When Ed was elected governor, North Dakotans were down on our luck and our future. What a contrast to today, when hundreds of North Dakotans stood up to defend our state against a shallow and biased picture painted by the National Geographic. This turn around in spirit began with Ed Schafer.

Don’t take yourself too seriously: It’s okay to laugh and have fun, even at your own expense. And it’s certainly okay to break with tradition. In his campaign for governor in 1992, Ed Schafer was the one who started walking through the crowds of parade goers rather than waving stiffly from the back end of a convertible.

A favorite memory that illustrates both his and Nancy’s good humor comes from their “Capitol for a Day” program. I still chuckle when I think of Nancy Schafer running down the streets of Wilton in her business suit and high heels, pushing a twin bed that held a helmet-wearing Lt. Governor Rose Marie Myrdal. Nancy was determined to beat Ed, who was pushing an opposing team’s bed right beside her.

Leaders like Ed Schafer inspire loyalty and good will, make you want to do more and be better. They rise to the top of their game, and bring others with them. They leave a lasting impression on the organizations and people they touch.

We can all learn from the examples set by Ed Schafer. The people at the USDA will certainly benefit from their time with him.

Wisdom in Being Bored

Last weekend we piled our kids and mounds of stuff into our van and drove to the Rocky Mountains. Whenever mentioning a road trip like this, the first question people ask, even before inquiring about your travel plans, is “Do you have a DVD player in your car?”

Car DVD players are to road trips what a nap is to a new mother. Heaven. They break up long trips, help pass time more quickly, soothe restless kids and give parents time to talk and reconnect. My parents really could have used one back in the ‘60s when they packed 7 kids in a station wagon and traveled from Williston to California for a month in a popup camper. (What were they thinking?)

Car DVDs are among a long line of tools and trends that help us pacify, occupy and entertain our kids from the second they take their first breath. Newborn babies lie in vibrating seats, go to sleep to ocean noises and watch cleverly named videos we think will make them smart. TV, video games, organized sports, activities and all-day kindergarten are creating much more structure and stimulation for kids at increasingly young ages.

Between the shuffle of these schedules and the irresistible appeal of electronic media, children can go for days without any real downtime. A number of psychologists, educators and parents believe this hyper-stimulating environment is causing kids to be more restless and agitated, to have lower attention spans, to be dependent on instant gratification and less able to solve problems or complete projects on their own. These experts are actually exploring the benefits of boredom.

A private elementary school on the East Coast has incorporated a radical solution into their curriculum. The entire school, kindergarteners and all, starts the morning with 30 minutes of silence. The principle argues that kids need uninterrupted time to think in order to learn how to solve problems.

Our recent trek to western Montana was a case study on this theory of boredom and problem solving. We don’t have a DVD player for our car. If we thought our kids could handle one in moderation, we might relent. But moderation is not in their vocabulary. We would be dogged with requests for “Sponge Bob” before we reached the end of the driveway.

So, on our latest journey, they faced one big problem: What to do for 10 hours while confined to a car seat. They did a fair amount of typical car activities – coloring, listening to music and stories, snacking, tormenting each other and asking if we were almost there. But they also concocted some intricate games involving dinosaurs, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, multiple imaginary dams and a bookstore.

We counted freight trains, sang Yankee Doodle Dandy (no fewer than 39 times), and saw five bald eagles. And we talked. A few movies could have been in the mix of activities, but no one suffered much without it. I enjoyed seeing them immersed in a make-believe world of their own design rather than being pacified by the product of someone else’s imagination.

Ultimately, those hours on the road were a nice break for our family from all the noise, gadgets and distractions of the everyday world.

I’m not sure how long we’ll maintain our DVD-free travel policy, but I do know this. If a little downtime is good for my kids, “boredom” is one craft project even I can handle. Next time my kids say, “Mom, I’m bored.” I can say cheerfully, “Excellent! That’s good for your brain.”

Shopping for Good Leaders

My husband and I recently bought new furniture for our home office. This project involved several research missions to examine the selection at every furniture store in town as well as online and in catalogues. We compared prices and quality and debated the best configurations for our needs. All told, we probably spent 8-10 hours making this purchase.

We follow a similar process for all major buys and I suspect most Americans are the same. We want to get the best quality for the best price, and we are willing to invest some time doing so.

This year, we will be making a “major purchase” for our nation -- electing a new president and countless other leaders on the national, state and local level. These people will wield incredible power to affect nearly every aspect of our daily lives – our safety and security, personal freedoms, healthcare and how much money remains in our paychecks. The impact these leaders will have on our kids through the policies they pass stands to be even greater.

Knowing this, how much time will you spend researching this “purchase” and doing your part to obtain the best quality leaders? Studies suggest the answer for most Americans is very little. In the last presidential election, nearly 45 percent of eligible Americans didn’t even take time to vote much less examine candidates’ credentials, experience or positions on key issues.

In a recent conversation, a new friend was taken aback when I said I love politics. “You do?” she exclaimed as if I had just confessed to enjoying the smell of bad breathe. She is completely disinterested in politics because, as she put it, she can never really figure out who is telling the truth and she doesn’t think her voice matters. “I just feel like they are going to do whatever they want anyway so what difference can I make?”

This woman is a smart, friendly, optimistic person who is a mother, wife and hard-working member of our business community. And unfortunately, she reflects the feelings of millions of Americans regarding politics. Who can I believe? What difference can I make? Why should I care?

I’d like to offer three thoughts. First, for those who struggle to determine who to believe, skip the traditional news sources and political ads and go direct. The internet has resources for researching candidates, analyzing their skills and experience, and determining who best mirrors your beliefs. Check out www.vote-smart.org, www.2decide.com or just Google “2008 presidential election.”

Second, recent down-to-the-wire elections and recounts should be evidence enough that every vote matters. In 2006, one North Dakota legislative race was determined by only four votes.

But participating in the political process comes down to more than a vote. It’s a modest investment in the freedom and opportunities we enjoy as Americans and a recognition that millions of people have died to preserve these. It’s a vital act of preserving for future generations the same privileges we enjoy to think and work, worship and play freely, everyday, with barely a second thought.

And finally, why should you care? Every election is important – this one seems particularly so. Our elected leaders will be forging new ground on issues such as national security, tax and economic policy, healthcare, immigration and many others. Their decisions will establish a direction for our nation and world for generations. I want our country to step strongly in the way of promoting personal responsibility and keeping terror-minded extremists on the defensive.

Some people protest that it’s way too early to worry about an election that is nearly 10 months away. That might be true for state and local races, but we have an excellent opportunity this month to get involved in the presidential selection process. With North Dakota participating in Super Tuesday events on Feb. 5, we all have a chance to advocate for a favorite candidate among a broad slate of choices.

Now is the time to begin shopping around for our nation’s next leader. I urge you to invest some time in the process, get familiar with the products available, compare the quality, question the claims. You and your family will feel the affects of this purchase every day for many years. Good or bad, all sales are essentially final.