While thousands of people were reveling at the state fair or 10,000 Lakes Festival last weekend, I was solo-parenting at a very different festival: Bickerfest 2009. This included refereeing the ever-popular sideshows Whine-o-rama, Wrestlemania and Squabblejam.
For kids, summer means freedom, fun and a lot more togetherness with siblings. As August approaches, most parents I know are growing weary of the battles.
The scenarios that trigger sibling scraps are usually too-ridiculous to repeat. My favorite exchange this weekend found my son yelling down the steps, “Quit talking to me!” To which his younger brother responded in his loudest possible voice, “No!!! You quit talking to me first.”
In the peak of frustration with Bickerfest, I retreated briefly to my computer and hastily composed an email to my family chronicling the events of my aggravating morning and my not-so-graceful ways of handling it.
Later that day, when the kids and I arrived home from some errands, a beautiful vase of miniature roses greeted me at the door. A note in my mom’s script advised, “Spread happiness in a troubled world.”
My mom was famous for keeping her cool. When my siblings were young, we lived just one block from school, so they always came home for lunch. My mom set out the food family style and left them unsupervised to serve and eat lunch while she retreated to the piano.
Chaos usually ensued, as you would expect. But my mom was in her own happy place drowning out the noise with songs and scales. To this day, she insists she was trying to teach them to share.
For me, and I believe most parents, listening to my kids fight is difficult for reasons beyond just the noise or the inherent danger of two boys in a real brawl with light sabers. Remember Madlyn Primoff, the 45-year-old Park Avenue lawyer who became a nationwide news story this spring for kicking her 12 and 10-year-old quarreling daughters out of the car and driving away?
Their bickering was annoying I’m sure, but I doubt that’s what prompted her to make good on the most widely used threat of all time. “Stop fighting or I’ll stop the car.”
Ultimately, what eats away at parents like Primoff – and me -- is the fear that we are the cause of the sibling quarrels. That our combative kids are proof that we are failing as parents. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix this, we wonder?
Parenting experts offer a wide variety of tips and tricks. We’ve heard them before, but perhaps a few are worth repeating.
• Negotiate in advance solutions and penalties for common daily battles.
• Set ground rules for fair fighting, like teaching them to fight with words, not fists.
• Use natural consequences. For example, those who demand to get the first or the most, get the last and the least.
The one point on which all the experts agree is that fighting is both normal and essential for growing up. Somehow squabbling with siblings teaches kids how to solve problems and handle conflicts as adults.
To this end, my most trusted advisor (my mom) and the books, too, strongly advise that parents let kids work out their battles themselves.
So, I guess I can retire my whistle and striped shirt. Next time my kids are fighting, you can find me at the piano.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Life Runs Like a River
It’s summer and that means one thing: family road trips
This weekend, we walked across the Mississippi River. Not on a bridge, but directly through the river from one side to the other. We accomplished this impressive feat at the river’s headwaters in Itasca State Park, of course, where the water is warm and clear and about 8 inches deep.
As we wandered down the infant stream I was able to stretch out my arms and touch the long grass on both banks of this famous river. Amazing!
Dozens of children played in the water. It’s a real-life “lazy river,” and they floated down the shallow, narrow stream beaming with the pure joy of childhood and summer.
As we walked back upstream, I was amazed by the force of the current. I thought it might be gentler at the beginning. That it would take some time to build momentum and force. Apparently not. Even at the onset, you can tell by the pull of this river that it is destined for greatness.
Walking through the headwaters of the Mississippi was oddly appropriate. I’ve been reflecting on the parallels between rivers and life this week, triggered by my dad’s 80th birthday and the celebration of my 10th wedding anniversary.
It’s hard to believe a decade has passed since my husband Mike and I got married. Despite a bunch of major life changes, we feel much the same.
On our anniversary day, we exchanged a couple off-key voicemail serenades. The chorus of one of them, an old Loggins and Messina song, rings through my head as I’m walking up the Mississippi. “And we go on and on, watching the river run. Further and further from things that we’ve done, leaving them one by one.”
I think of the last two decades. High school and college are ancient history. My years of being independent and single are long past. Our kids’ baby and toddler stages, too, are already over. This fall all of them will be in school.
And my dad’s 80th is a stark reminder that my parents are in the twilight of life – every day with them is precious.
When we got married, our dog Bogart was a spry young pup with gleaming chocolate-colored fur. Today, Bogart’s muzzle is completely white, his fur is faded and clumpy, and he struggles to sit, climb or stand up. A decade is forever for a dog.
I watch the waters of the Mississippi racing over my feet at the beginning of a 2,500 mile journey to the ocean, and I’m stuck by how fast my own river is racing. It can be sad to think about all the life stages already left behind.
But the chorus of the song continues. “We have just begun, watching the river run. Listening and learning and yearning, run river run.”
We are powerless to slow the rivers of life. We can’t build a dam to stop them. Which leaves us only to live in and appreciate the present -- to listen, learn, yearn and embrace our river’s flow.
So today, there are fish to catch, cards to play, and meals to share with our family and dear friends. Run river run.
This weekend, we walked across the Mississippi River. Not on a bridge, but directly through the river from one side to the other. We accomplished this impressive feat at the river’s headwaters in Itasca State Park, of course, where the water is warm and clear and about 8 inches deep.
As we wandered down the infant stream I was able to stretch out my arms and touch the long grass on both banks of this famous river. Amazing!
Dozens of children played in the water. It’s a real-life “lazy river,” and they floated down the shallow, narrow stream beaming with the pure joy of childhood and summer.
As we walked back upstream, I was amazed by the force of the current. I thought it might be gentler at the beginning. That it would take some time to build momentum and force. Apparently not. Even at the onset, you can tell by the pull of this river that it is destined for greatness.
Walking through the headwaters of the Mississippi was oddly appropriate. I’ve been reflecting on the parallels between rivers and life this week, triggered by my dad’s 80th birthday and the celebration of my 10th wedding anniversary.
It’s hard to believe a decade has passed since my husband Mike and I got married. Despite a bunch of major life changes, we feel much the same.
On our anniversary day, we exchanged a couple off-key voicemail serenades. The chorus of one of them, an old Loggins and Messina song, rings through my head as I’m walking up the Mississippi. “And we go on and on, watching the river run. Further and further from things that we’ve done, leaving them one by one.”
I think of the last two decades. High school and college are ancient history. My years of being independent and single are long past. Our kids’ baby and toddler stages, too, are already over. This fall all of them will be in school.
And my dad’s 80th is a stark reminder that my parents are in the twilight of life – every day with them is precious.
When we got married, our dog Bogart was a spry young pup with gleaming chocolate-colored fur. Today, Bogart’s muzzle is completely white, his fur is faded and clumpy, and he struggles to sit, climb or stand up. A decade is forever for a dog.
I watch the waters of the Mississippi racing over my feet at the beginning of a 2,500 mile journey to the ocean, and I’m stuck by how fast my own river is racing. It can be sad to think about all the life stages already left behind.
But the chorus of the song continues. “We have just begun, watching the river run. Listening and learning and yearning, run river run.”
We are powerless to slow the rivers of life. We can’t build a dam to stop them. Which leaves us only to live in and appreciate the present -- to listen, learn, yearn and embrace our river’s flow.
So today, there are fish to catch, cards to play, and meals to share with our family and dear friends. Run river run.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Money Machines Save the Day
My five year old was sitting at the table, counting his jar of money for about the 19th time in two days.
“Mom, I’m saving my money and you know what I’m gonna buy?” he said.
“A Bionicle?” I guessed.
“Nope,” he replied. “A money machine. You buy it for 40 dollars and then after that you can make your own money -- as much money as you want. I’ll give you and daddy some.”
Hmm, I said under my breath, sounds like the government.
We’ve enjoyed some chuckles at my child’s innocence and naivety. But sadly, his scheme isn’t all that different than the economic solutions being implemented by our leaders in Washington.
In the last year, the Federal Reserve has pumped more than $800 billion dollars of new money into our economy. Apparently, when people aren’t spending money because they don’t have any money, the U.S. government can just turn on the money machines and print some more.
It’s just one of the many puzzling solutions coming out our capitol almost daily.
• Health care plans created to protect the uninsured that will unravel the nation’s entire healthcare payment system.
• Cap-and-trade policies that will paralyze key industries like manufacturing and transportation at a time when they are already having heart failure.
• Huge government takeovers of banking, finance, auto and soon healthcare industries.
• And a $787 billion federal stimulus package that includes nearly $1 billion for North Dakota who enjoys a $1.2 billion budget surplus.
Ronald Reagan, speaking at a different moment in history, described today’s government well. “Government’s view of the economy can be summed up in a few short phrases,” he said. “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
As I watch my son count his coins, I’m searching for an answer to one basic question. How do all of these sweeping new policies and spending programs add up to a better America? Where is the common sense, the reality that says one plus one equals two? The change we can believe in?
A group of North Dakotans are asking these same questions in a more public way. For the second time in two months they are gathering to protest the expansion of government with a Rally on the Capitol Mall this Thursday at 6.
They’re planning speakers, music, food and vendors – a 4th of July celebration of individual liberty and freedom from overreaching government that our founding fathers envisioned.
I think I’ll join them, and bring my son. Who knows, maybe someone will be selling a money machine.
“Mom, I’m saving my money and you know what I’m gonna buy?” he said.
“A Bionicle?” I guessed.
“Nope,” he replied. “A money machine. You buy it for 40 dollars and then after that you can make your own money -- as much money as you want. I’ll give you and daddy some.”
Hmm, I said under my breath, sounds like the government.
We’ve enjoyed some chuckles at my child’s innocence and naivety. But sadly, his scheme isn’t all that different than the economic solutions being implemented by our leaders in Washington.
In the last year, the Federal Reserve has pumped more than $800 billion dollars of new money into our economy. Apparently, when people aren’t spending money because they don’t have any money, the U.S. government can just turn on the money machines and print some more.
It’s just one of the many puzzling solutions coming out our capitol almost daily.
• Health care plans created to protect the uninsured that will unravel the nation’s entire healthcare payment system.
• Cap-and-trade policies that will paralyze key industries like manufacturing and transportation at a time when they are already having heart failure.
• Huge government takeovers of banking, finance, auto and soon healthcare industries.
• And a $787 billion federal stimulus package that includes nearly $1 billion for North Dakota who enjoys a $1.2 billion budget surplus.
Ronald Reagan, speaking at a different moment in history, described today’s government well. “Government’s view of the economy can be summed up in a few short phrases,” he said. “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
As I watch my son count his coins, I’m searching for an answer to one basic question. How do all of these sweeping new policies and spending programs add up to a better America? Where is the common sense, the reality that says one plus one equals two? The change we can believe in?
A group of North Dakotans are asking these same questions in a more public way. For the second time in two months they are gathering to protest the expansion of government with a Rally on the Capitol Mall this Thursday at 6.
They’re planning speakers, music, food and vendors – a 4th of July celebration of individual liberty and freedom from overreaching government that our founding fathers envisioned.
I think I’ll join them, and bring my son. Who knows, maybe someone will be selling a money machine.
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