This summer, I got in a big tussle with my husband Mike over the planning and coordinating of household projects and personal schedules. I can’t really remember the details. What I do remember is the tension that filled our car as all of us drove out to a friend’s lake cabin to spend one of the few beautiful Saturdays of the summer.
Traveling east out of Bismarck, I knew I needed to apologize, but I dreaded doing it and wasn’t sure how to start. Finally, I just said, “I’m sorry.” Just a few minutes after uttering those words the scuffle was over, the tension was gone. We were free to enjoy the rest of a fun day. What a relief.
This story had a happy ending largely because of the mercy Mike readily offered to me.
I’ve been thinking about mercy lately and what a desirable trait it is.
Mercy is vital to parenting, and hard to come by sometimes like at bedtime with overtired children who won’t give their overtired mom a break by going to sleep peacefully. Or with little boys who insist on wrestling in Target or Perkins or the pews in church. Or with a four-year-old who talks REALLY LOUD all the time to be sure he’s heard in the event he is interrupted (which he often is.)
Parents need a fountain of mercy to nurture the clumsy, compulsive, curious and tender hearts of their kids.
Mercy is also essential to good marriages and friendships. Everyone screws up and does things that are mean, selfish or arrogant at times. For any relationship to last and grow, mercy from both people involved must be in steady supply.
Perhaps one of the areas where mercy is most lacking today is in relationships with ourselves. We are ruthless in our personal judgments, obsessing on our physical flaws or financial shortcomings -- our nose is too big, hips are too wide, chest is too small, house is too modest, clothes are too dated. We dwell on mistakes we’ve made or compare ourselves to others who appear to be more put together or accomplished.
We can be merciless on ourselves for our failures or differences.
Considering how important mercy is in our lives, it’s too bad this trait isn’t more popularly pursued. Mercy sounds sort of old fashioned and “churchy” -- something you might read in the Bible or hear about on Sundays not something to cultivate like discipline, youth, or wealth.
Perhaps that’s because being merciful really challenges us. It doesn’t always come naturally and some might equate being merciful to being weak. It’s tough being merciful because it forces us to be humble and overlook distasteful faults in ourselves and others.
Mercy comes from those who are secure, compassionate and brave. How different our world and our community would be if we challenged ourselves to be more merciful with each other every day, at home, at work, with our colleagues and competitors, friends and enemies and with ourselves.
Insecurities might fade. Grudges and petty judgments would disappear. We would all be more free – free to enjoy what’s good in others and ourselves. What a relief.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Resurrecting a Lost Art: Send them Outside
My mom made donuts with my kids last week. We like cheap thrills at our house, and homemade donuts are about the cheapest thrill around. Warm, deep-fried dough dipped in sugar -- delicious.
We ate them as fast as grandma pulled them out of the fryer. She often made donuts for us when we were growing up, and told of my oldest brother John who would smell the donuts frying from outside and bring his friends in to load up.
They would spread their fingers, hang a donut ring around each one and race back outside to romp around. They probably burned off their five-donut snack before dinner.
This image got me thinking about modern boys. Sadly, the smell of baked goods wouldn’t lure many kids today from outside but from playing video games in the next room. They would likely gobble up the fatty snacks and plop back down for a couple more hours of screen time before dinner.
Video games are like crack for boys. I don’t know how or why, but Wii can change my soccer playing, bug collecting, kite flying, bike riding 6-year-old into a whiney, intolerable junkie obsessed with getting his next “fix” in front of the screen.
Television, computers and video games offer an easy path to peace in our homes, but they come at a big cost to our kids. A recent report conducted by the Colorado-based Outdoor Foundation shows that an increasing number of Americans participated in nature-based, outdoor activities in 2008. Great news.
However, outdoor activity for one critical group – children ages 6 to 17 – continues to decline. Down 8 percent in 2008, which follows an 11 percent decline the previous year.
Our kids are starved for fresh air. So I wonder, why do we so often leave our easiest, cheapest and best parenting tool tucked in the back of the closet? Going outside is a great solution to so many parenting challenges. Bored? Tired? Hungry? Crabby? Fighting with your siblings? Get outside.
Fresh air, unfiltered light and the freedom of being outdoors offers a powerful potion for the human spirit. It reboots children – and adults -- energizes us and provides a new perspective.
Scientists have studied the affects of outdoor activities on children. We’ve heard them before, but another look might strengthen our resolve to push our kids outside as the weather turns cold. Here are just a few of the many proven benefits:
• Decreased stress, anxiety and obesity.
• Improved motor skills, cognitive functioning and creativity.
• Development of healthy lifelong habits and hobbies.
• Reduced symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder.
• Strengthened family relationships.
• Greater appreciation for nature and wildlife.
Today was a flawless fall day, and I spent most of it in a small, windowless office. The sun was starting to set when I arrived home but I was determined to capture a few minutes of fresh air. Thankfully, my kids didn’t resist.
We crossed the street and wandered around a (dwindling) parcel of vacant prairie north of our house. We walked through “Sunrise Crater,” climbed a couple hay bales and played a bit of football. It was a lovely evening and we stayed out long enough to watch the sunset.
Walking home by moonlight, one of the kids pointed to the sky and yelled, “First star. Make a wish.” A few steps later, my four year old said, “I wished that we can come here again tomorrow.”
Now, there’s a wish I know I can make come true. Maybe we’ll bring a handful of grandma’s donuts.
We ate them as fast as grandma pulled them out of the fryer. She often made donuts for us when we were growing up, and told of my oldest brother John who would smell the donuts frying from outside and bring his friends in to load up.
They would spread their fingers, hang a donut ring around each one and race back outside to romp around. They probably burned off their five-donut snack before dinner.
This image got me thinking about modern boys. Sadly, the smell of baked goods wouldn’t lure many kids today from outside but from playing video games in the next room. They would likely gobble up the fatty snacks and plop back down for a couple more hours of screen time before dinner.
Video games are like crack for boys. I don’t know how or why, but Wii can change my soccer playing, bug collecting, kite flying, bike riding 6-year-old into a whiney, intolerable junkie obsessed with getting his next “fix” in front of the screen.
Television, computers and video games offer an easy path to peace in our homes, but they come at a big cost to our kids. A recent report conducted by the Colorado-based Outdoor Foundation shows that an increasing number of Americans participated in nature-based, outdoor activities in 2008. Great news.
However, outdoor activity for one critical group – children ages 6 to 17 – continues to decline. Down 8 percent in 2008, which follows an 11 percent decline the previous year.
Our kids are starved for fresh air. So I wonder, why do we so often leave our easiest, cheapest and best parenting tool tucked in the back of the closet? Going outside is a great solution to so many parenting challenges. Bored? Tired? Hungry? Crabby? Fighting with your siblings? Get outside.
Fresh air, unfiltered light and the freedom of being outdoors offers a powerful potion for the human spirit. It reboots children – and adults -- energizes us and provides a new perspective.
Scientists have studied the affects of outdoor activities on children. We’ve heard them before, but another look might strengthen our resolve to push our kids outside as the weather turns cold. Here are just a few of the many proven benefits:
• Decreased stress, anxiety and obesity.
• Improved motor skills, cognitive functioning and creativity.
• Development of healthy lifelong habits and hobbies.
• Reduced symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder.
• Strengthened family relationships.
• Greater appreciation for nature and wildlife.
Today was a flawless fall day, and I spent most of it in a small, windowless office. The sun was starting to set when I arrived home but I was determined to capture a few minutes of fresh air. Thankfully, my kids didn’t resist.
We crossed the street and wandered around a (dwindling) parcel of vacant prairie north of our house. We walked through “Sunrise Crater,” climbed a couple hay bales and played a bit of football. It was a lovely evening and we stayed out long enough to watch the sunset.
Walking home by moonlight, one of the kids pointed to the sky and yelled, “First star. Make a wish.” A few steps later, my four year old said, “I wished that we can come here again tomorrow.”
Now, there’s a wish I know I can make come true. Maybe we’ll bring a handful of grandma’s donuts.
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