Searching for Life's Easy Button

My daughter wants to learn how to play guitar. We are thrilled about this so two years ago we bought her a cute half-size instrument, found a wonderful young teacher and added guitar lessons and practice to our schedule.

That was the easy part. Everything since then -- not so easy. She quickly discovered that, while the gear and the lessons can be purchased, the skills to play a guitar cannot. Whenever the struggle comes to a head, she insists tearfully, “No mom. I don’t want to quit. I just don’t want to practice.”

Oh, how I can relate. I have a long list of aspirations – playing the guitar, speaking Spanish, writing a book, learning to knit. But somehow I lack the time, focus and probably the passion to make them a reality.

One of the inconvenient truths about life is that we can buy a lot of things to make our time on Earth easier – self-cleaning ovens, drive-through food, automatic sprinklers, remote car starters, and any number of “I” items (I-phones, pods, pads, tunes, books).

But most of the things in life worth having can’t be bought or gained through a short cut. Apple doesn’t offer an I-PerfectMarriage, I-MedicalDegree, I-ScratchGolfer.

Nowhere is the lack of convenient shortcuts more evident than in parenting.

Our youngest is struggling a bit to adjust to pre-school. On the first day, a spiffy new pair of shoes was enough to inspire him through the door. But the novelty of the new shoes has long since worn off. Lately when I drop him off he wraps his arms and legs around me like a spider monkey and insists he’s staying with me.

Removing a nimble five-year-old who is clinging to your back with all four limbs is impossible to do gracefully while wearing high heels and carrying a giant pink purse. Especially when, in my heart, I want to stay with him, introduce him to friends and keep him comfortable.

Would my presence ease his transition or rob him of an important chance to learn how to make friends and adjust to new situations on his own? Oh for an I-ParentingDecisionMaker to tell me.

For parents, every day is a replay of “to do or not to do.” Should we confront the mean friend on our child’s behalf, protect them from a bad teacher, buy them what they want, restrict their access to TV or video games, say no to junk food and soda, lobby a coach for more playing time?

When should we intervene and when should we leave them to fight their own battles and learn their own lessons? Where’s the “easy button” to help us find this delicate balance?

Our instinct is to make things easy and comfortable for our kids, to fix their mistakes and protect them from bad consequences. But good things rarely come easy or without effort. Convenience doesn’t build character.

The best and most loving approach might very well be to let them struggle through some hard times, learn to deal with pain and disappointment and hopefully gain the confidence, compassion and strength of realizing they can.

For kids and adults alike, money can’t buy a shortcut for that

Fall is Here

I did something last week that I haven’t done for months -- wore long pants running. I hated to take this step and debated trying to ignore the thermometer, but the previous day found me shivering in white capris and sandals that I naively wore in protest to the changing temps.

Let’s face it. Fall is here.

A few weeks ago I was celebrating the best summer ever. But the air today is altogether different. The undertones are undeniably cool and the dominoes of a new season are beginning to tumble. New routines, responsibilities and hobbies one-by-one shut the door on summer and transition us gently (please oh please gently, and slowly) into winter.

It begins with clothes. Fall means jeans and sweatshirts, and for women especially the return of socks. Wool, corduroy or “Russels” are clearly premature at this point, but cotton is much too breezy. Denim and fleece are just right.

Food also takes a major turn. Fall means soup and chili – the easiest comfort foods. I miss having these no-fail options to turn to in the summer when the clock strikes six and we realize the dinner angels forgot to bless our home with food or inspiration for it.

Fall means the return of school routines. Amen and hallelujah. Parents everywhere are celebrating this.

Don’t get me wrong. I treasure the freedom of summer, but enough is enough. Our kids were beginning to sound way too much like Sponge Bob and Patrick. They stayed up late, played all day and ate so many freeze pops I began to worry their teeth might take on the brilliant rainbow hues of these cheap treats.

So long freedom, hello 8:15 bedtimes and two glorious hours of mostly quiet adult time. One of these days I might actually watch a television show or balance the checkbook again.

Fall also means the end of potted plants and their incessant need for water. I’m sick of ours, and secretly hope for a freeze so I can quit watching them slowly die from neglect. Don’t tell, but I’m cheating on them already anyway. I noticed some very attractive pumpkins at the farmer’s market the other day. The dainty pink petunias that brought me joy all summer will soon be withering in the garbage can, replaced by rough and ruddy hay bales and gourds.

Finally, fall means new hobbies. My poor hips and bunions are begging me to return to the lap pool, something I just can’t do until the snow flies and temperatures plummet. Golf clubs will soon be replaced with shotguns. And Sunday afternoons will find families and friends gathered together for the great (and often futile) tradition on these Northern plains: cheering for the Vikings or Packers.

Welcome fall! Enter slowly, make yourself at home, and please stick around for a while. I have lots of jeans to wear.

Bidding Farewell to the Best Summer Ever

I’ve been cyber-stalking my 26-year-old niece all summer. She has a Facebook album titled, “The Best Summer Ever – 2010.” It’s loaded with pictures of her and other beautiful Denver singles camping, climbing mountains, attending outdoor festivals and generally celebrating the freedom of their age and singleness.

In late July I realized young people in the Rockies don’t have a monopoly on the “Best Summer Ever.” We’ve had a pretty amazing summer too, kids and all, right here in North Dakota. So, I started my own “2010 The Best Summer Ever” Facebook album.

I’ve only uploaded a few photos so far but I’ll get to that, perhaps in 2023 when my kids graduate. Meanwhile, here are some highlights of our Best Summer Ever.

Medora: Quaint, safe and carefree, my kids fell in love with Medora. They were enchanted by the musical, especially the gunfight at the finale of course. The collection of toys at the Doll House and the Old West playground also proved entertaining.

But most impressive to them was their ability to walk everywhere in this spiffy little town, from one end to the other, without a single care. We did this several times. They never once asked for a water park.

Downstream Campground: This must be one of the nicest campgrounds in the state, and it provided the perfect backdrop for a legendary travel video that I’ll upload on the state tourism site just as soon as I finish it. Right after the “Best Summer Ever” album.

Fort Union. Historical interpreters bring this rather modest attraction alive. My kids hauled firewood in exchange for arrowheads, watched a metal smith make tools and ate cornbread cooked over fire in a cast-iron skillet.

In its day, Fort Union was a major trading post, carrying fabric, tools, beads, sugar, paint and many other imports from America and Europe. Fort Union was North Dakota’s first Wal Mart. Who knew?

Lake Isabel, Fourth of July: Sunny, hot weather set the stage for a glorious day of swimming, tubing, eating, watching fireworks and learning how to water ski. Our friends keep urging us to buy a cabin there. Why would we do that, we wonder, when we have an open invitation to hang out at theirs?

Rounding out the “Best Summer Ever” memories in North Dakota are a picture-perfect day on Lake Sakakawea, Raging Rivers, biking the trails in Bismarck, Junior Zookeeper and Sleepy Hollow art camps, Bismarck Baseball League, wine cruises on the river and a garden bursting with herbs and veggies.

My only regret is that two good weeks of summer, probably the most pleasant, remain but the kids are already back in school and we’re forced to behave as if summer is over.

Let’s change this goofy school schedule. Meanwhile, plans are underway for The Best Summer Ever Part II, 2011, featuring the Fargo Air Show, the Peace Gardens, Lake Metigoshe, canoeing down the Little Missouri, camping at Jamestown Reservoir, Frost Fire Theater and much more. I love this state.

Early in our marriage, I often whined when Mike’s work took him away from home overnight.

He had little patience for my complaints. “People leave their families and ship out to sea for 10 months at a time,” he insisted. “That’s hardship. This is not. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Growing up the son of an airman, Mike lived in a half dozen different places. He then served in the Navy and traveled the globe for six years on a Naval oiler, which apparently is even less glamorous than it sounds. Despite being young, single and childless, he struggled with the loneliness of long assignments at sea.

A few weeks ago, the last of the 650 North Dakota soldiers who served in Kosovo as part of a multi-national NATO peacekeeping mission returned home. Bismarck’s own Brig. Gen. Al Dohrmann commanded the force, which included troops from six countries and was the largest single deployment of the North Dakota National Guard since the Korean War.
It was not as dangerous an assignment as some have been, but it was long and affected many. These folks were separated from their spouses, children, parents and friends for nearly a year. Three hundred forty three days away from their own beds, fridges, hobbies, cars, bathrooms, blankets and affection of any sort from their family and friends.

They left behind 485 children. Included among the soldiers were mothers (uff da); a few parents of newborn babies (ugh); and at least 12 soon-to-be-dads with pregnant wives (ouch).

I suspect everyone in North Dakota knew someone who was deployed. We had three friends on the mission, and witnessed up-close the sacrifices these military families make in service to our country and world. The solo parents at home coordinated the first day of school and the last, umpteen practices and parties, holidays, trips, birthdays and milestones. They consoled, advised and disciplined alone.

I calculated conservatively that just one of these moms managed more than 900 family activities and events while her husband served in Kosovo. Everything from the mundane (dental appointments) to the monumental (a 60th anniversary) was up to her.

Meanwhile, the guardsmen lived in small, no-frills rooms, spent Christmas with fellow soldiers and missed countless daily moments with their family.

According to the North Dakota National Guard, our guard has mobilized more than 3,500 soldiers and 1,800 airmen since 2001. About 150 North Dakota guardsmen are currently serving overseas. We can all be proud of the fact that North Dakotans volunteer for service in the guard at a rate that’s more than four times the national average.

Military service is more than a job -- it’s a way of life that demands sacrifice from the whole family. Where would be today without people who are willing to make this sacrifice? It’s a disturbing thought.

Welcome back KFOR 12 service men and women. Thanks to you and your family members for not only believing in peace and freedom, but for undergoing real hardship to help maintain it.

What habits are defining you?

My mom and I took a week long road trip recently – just the two of us. Preparing for the trip, we set 4 p.m. as our targeted departure time. Three hours later, we finally hit the road.

While traveling we listened to an audio presentation by author and speaker Matthew Kelly. The subject was “Becoming the Best Version of Yourself.” The difference between average people and people who achieve greatness comes down to one thing, he says. It isn’t courage or brains or beauty. Not wealth or wisdom.

The difference is habits. Accomplished people are guided by great habits. I reflected sheepishly on our three-hour delay and my habit of tardiness.

We can learn a lot about leaders by their habits. Theodore Roosevelt was a voracious reader. Benjamin Franklin worked relentlessly. Mother Teresa’s habit was charity – she was singularly committed to it.

Closer to home, Ed Schafer’s endless energy stemmed from his dogged commitment to mid-day runs. John Hoeven is known for disciplined decision making.

We all have habits, good and bad. A big part of parenting involves nurturing good habits in our kids, habits perhaps we wish were our own. Flossing daily, eating vegetables, reading, telling the truth, sharing.

Experts say it takes 30 days to create a good habit. Six years later, we’re hoping our children soon learn the habit of saying please. Despite the seemingly endless reinforcement required, we press on with our kids, knowing that developing good habits now will be far easier than breaking bad ones later.

On a recent field trip with girlfriends, I asked about their best and worst habits. Several cited yelling or nagging. Others confessed to being chronically late. I’m habitually trying to overcome both of these bad habits, which stem from a more basic problem: over-estimating how much I can do.

Whether writing a column or packing for a trip, I frequently underestimate how long it will take This leaves me scrambling at the end, barking at my kids and trying to pull off my best work with far less time than necessary.

In the spectrum of bad habits, this one isn’t the worst. It does, however, create a lot of needless stress. The perpetual rush foils our efforts to face the world calmly and in good cheer, from noticing something cool or someone in need.

This is the problem with bad habits: they often come in multiples. Staying up too late makes people oversleep, impatient, tardy, under productive, too tired to exercise and more likely to overeat.

Some people claim to be creatures of habit, but in many ways we all are. We might have big goals and lofty ideals but ultimately our simple, daily habits -- constructive or destructive – determine what we accomplish. They draw us closer or further from the person we want to be.

Whatever good I’m able to achieve one thing is probably for certain. I’ll be late.

Let’s not be fools about food

My kids stared at a glass of bright green, frothy liquid I whipped up for their snack. Before they could turn up their nose and object, I enthusiastically announced, “Check it out -- Shrek Shakes!”

Whatever hesitation they initially felt vanished with those two magic words – Shrek and shake. They happily slurped down and asked for seconds of the vitamin-packed banana and yogurt concoction that gets its bold color from several heaping cups of fresh, raw spinach.

My husband, salesman that he is, mastered marketing food to the kids much sooner than I did. They cheer for Daddy’s World Famous Beans (a.k.a Van de Camp’s with extra mustard and brown sugar). And, in side-by-side taste tests, Daddy’s World Famous Pancakes (a.k.a. Krusteez powdered mix) regularly outperformed my genuinely homemade buttermilk pancakes. That is, until I launched Mommy’s World Famous Homemade Pancakes.

Despite the pathetic lack of originality of these names, our kids remain convinced that the daily hash we sling under the “world famous” banner lives up to its billing. (Maybe they aren’t that bright.)

Their gullibility is funny, until you consider how well the same tricks work on us. Restaurants promote Grandma’s cottage meatloaf, juicy Angus thick burgers, and hand-scooped, triple-thick milk shakes. And the tempting names move product.

Food psychologist Brian Wansink has spent his career researching the psychology of eating and has identified dozens of hidden persuaders, like marketing, that influence our food choices and often cause us to overeat.

For example, we will eat more out of large bowls and large plates, in the company of friends, when faced with great variety (buffets, Thanksgiving dinner), when we’re distracted (by books, television or a movies), and when we believe the food is suppose to be good (i.e. the juicy Angus thick burger).

His book, “Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think,” is filled with results from his studies and outlines nine strategies for “re-engineering” our food choices and influencers. The book is both fascinating and practical.

Rather than restrictive diets calling for unsustainable changes that usually leave us face first in a gallon of ice cream, he argues for “stealth health.” These are small, positive changes that we can incorporate subtly into our lifestyles to become more healthy long term.

Some of his suggestions include:
1. See all you can eat: Plate your meals and snacks. Minimize seconds. Never eat out of a large bag or box and leave extra food on the stove not the table.
2. Make overeating a hassle not a habit. Put tempting foods in an inconvenient place. Store cookies in the freezer rather than a cookie jar. Place candy dishes across the room not beside the couch.
3. Be a good gatekeeper. If there’s no soda or Pop-Tarts in the house it’s hard to eat them.
4. Use the 50/50 rule: Reduce the size of your plate and fill half of it at every meal with fruits and vegetables.

Bookstores are filled with diet books, many of them best sellers, yet 63 percent of Americans are overweight. The truth is eating is fun and dieting stinks.

Wansink’s approach seems more realistic. Understand the influencers behind our eating habits and use them to our benefit. Rather than mindlessly gaining weight we can mindlessly lose or maintain our weight for a healthier lifestyle.

Time to make some cool, refreshing Shrek shakes.

Can you control your happiness or are you at the mercy of genetics, fate and/or your thoughtless spouse? http://ping.fm/TqGBn