Patience: Zip It Up, Let it Go

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

We recently acquired a puppy that is so cute his tiny face makes me melt. This soft, adorable little creature also has me examining my sanity on a daily basis. Potty training a two-year-old child and a two-month-old dog at the same time is not something I recommend to anyone, even people I don’t like.

We were on a roll earlier this week – there were several days in a row that I didn’t have to clean any “solid” accidents of the human or canine nature off the carpet. Today I have not been so fortunate.

These exercises in potty and house training have me thinking about a quality that is all too elusive some days: patience. Why do some people have the patience to see past a tornado in their living room, and others lose their cool over something like, well, a turd on the floor?

As consumers, we are not very patient. We can buy just about anything years before paying for it – cars, furniture, homes. We can cash out paychecks well in advance of actually receiving them. We like fast food, fast computers, fast roads, fast results. I actually found myself saying yesterday that I run (for exercise) because I’m not patient enough for walking. It takes too long.

We have successfully eliminated the need for patience in many aspects of our lives. But our drive for everything instant has many of us juggling so much that our patience is in short supply for the times when need it the most: parenting.

I recently offered 20 moms a list of five parenting challenges and asked them to rank them in order of most to least difficult. Thirteen of them ranked “having patience for their kids” as their top challenge.

Patience is certainly an admirable virtue, but is it a personality trait like being shy or funny, or is patience a choice? Can we wire ourselves to be more patient? I believe we can and have two observations.

One of the most patient people I know is my sister-in-law Julie. She rarely raises her voice and encourages vast amounts of creativity, exploration and independence in her kids. I believe her abundant patience comes from letting go of many concerns that ultimately have little real value – things like maintaining strict schedules, following conventional wisdom, or acquiring trendy material possessions.

Letting go of immaterial matters liberates her to focuses on issues of character, kindness, and serving others that have lasting effects. It’s no accident her nine children are among the smartest, most considerate and well-adjusted young people I know.

I’ve witnessed the value of “letting go” in other parents I admire. My sister Sheila raised four children all of whom are good cooks. I asked her how she accomplished this. “If you want your kids to enjoy cooking, you need to put up with a messy kitchen.”

Putting up with a messy kitchen? Is that possible?

This leads me to my second observation for boosting patience: zip it up. Rather than badgering her kids to “be careful,” “don’t spill,” and “clean up that mess,” my sister bit her tongue and let go of her desire for a shiny, tidy kitchen.

In sign language, “patience” is communicated by moving your thumb down across your closed lips. In other words, patience equals shutting your mouth. I try to remind myself of this sign when I want to blow a gasket because my kids aren’t listening or are acting all together too childish.

This can also be an effective tool when dealing with husbands, clients, co-workers or any frustrating situation.

It really works. The simple act of choking back the cutting comment or command before it leaves my mouth somehow defuses an emotional or frustrating situation and makes way for a patient, reasoned response.

I still blow the gasket much more often than I’d like. But there is no denying, peace and happiness reign supreme when I manage to just zip it up and let it go.