Fake your way to a happier heart

During college, my friend and roommate at UND’s Selke Hall was struggling to adjust to campus life during her freshman year. We tried a variety of things to perk her up, but nothing seemed to work. She was hopelessly homesick.

At one point I was out of ideas and tired of her blue attitude. I blurted out in frustration, “Schultzie, sometimes when you aren’t happy you just have to fake it until you are.”

Happiness can be an elusive pursuit. People seek it in many ways –through spending or saving, drugs or alcohol, working incessantly or not at all. It can be the rational for marriage or divorce, caring for others or focusing on purely selfish pursuits.
Some people who seem to have everything, are perpetually miserable. Others have very little or have experienced repeated, dramatic loss and yet continue to face the world with a smile. What a puzzle.

Last week I received a video about an Australian man with no arms and legs. He can swim, cook, get up and down stairs and live independently. He has every reason to be angry and dejected about his life – to roll in the misery of life without limbs.
But he’s chosen instead a good attitude and strong faith, and that has propelled him out of the wheelchair and into a fully engaged, inspiring life.

Happiness is the subject of volumes of research and books. Some people assume that our temperament is prewired and there’s little we can do about it. Research rebukes this.

In one recent study conducted in England, scientists examined 900 sets of twins and concluded that genetics accounts for about 50 percent of happiness. The remaining 50 percent is related to environmental factors like relationships and careers. In other words, half of our disposition comes from choices that we control.

Research also shows that people’s actions aren’t so much a product of their mood as much as their mood is a product of their actions. The simple act of being nice, cheerful, and optimistic can improve your mood and your happiness.

Writer Gretchen Rubin spent a year experimenting with theories on happiness. Her book, The Happiness Project, is an account of her year. On her blog and website, www.happiness-project.com, she explores factors contributing to happiness and offers tips for people to pursue their own happiness project.

Her 12 personal commandments offer some concepts worth considering. I particularly like her pledge to lighten up, let it go, enjoy the process, and of course, act the way you want to feel.

She emphasizes this again in what she calls Four Splendid Truths of Adulthood. “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.”

There are many strategies for happiness. For me, the most effective and lasting one begins on my knees. But sometimes, that knee-jerk advice to my friend when we were teenagers is the first step. Treat others kindly, put on a smile and before long it might very well be real.

No experience necessary

I’m fulfilling a job that I never applied for. I’ve been doing it for about 8 ½ years. I had no experience when I started, but no one interviewed me or checked my references. It was an easy job to land but it’s the toughest one I’ve ever had.

The responsibilities are daunting and the hours grueling. On any given day, I might serve as a seamstress, laundress, chef, or chauffer. I’m a counselor, coach, cheerleader and drill sergeant. I have to regulate, respond, mediate and enforce, serve as boundary setter, spy, juror, judge, lifesaver, teacher and tutor … All this before the morning school bell rings.

I’m a parent, of course. And I know I’m not alone in feeling vastly under-qualified for the job.

Kelly Hagen, who writes a column in this space every Friday, will soon be adding “dad” to his list of titles and jobs. I enjoy reading about how he and his “sweet Annette” are preparing for their first child. It’s one of the most magical times in life.

Kelly didn’t apply for this job either, and probably lacks experience like most new parents. I don’t have any advice for him in that regard, but will offer a few reflections.

Parenting is a profession that’s easier to perform from the sidelines. Before I had kids, solving behavior problems in other people’s naughty children was a snap. Temper tantrums, disrespect and outright manipulation were easy to spot and curtail.

But last week, I was momentarily speechless when my own 8-year-old responded to my request with a defiant, “You can’t make me.” The first thought that crossed my mind. “Oh no. Now what do I do? She’s finally realized it -- I can’t make her.”

Parenting demands constant, instantaneous judgment calls. The boys are being sassy, should I give them a break because they are tired or drop the hammer? Are we expecting too much or too little. Am I being consistent or nitpicky? Are we providing supportive guidance or preventing her from learning from a mistake?

Parenting magnifies your own weaknesses and insecurities and provides a fast track to growing up.

As challenging as this can be, it’s not the toughest part about parenting. When I was pregnant with our first child, I remember crying out of fear to my own mom (maybe the hormones had something to do with this).

It wasn’t labor or delivery. I didn’t fear nursing or sleepless nights (although I should have.) What scared me to tears was being so vulnerable -- realizing the potential heartache and pain I was subjecting myself to by having a child.

My instincts were dead on. I was right to fear this and still do. Nothing would be more painful than losing a child to an accident or illness. But my mom quickly placated my fears.

“Well, sure,” she said. “But there is so much more joy.”
I’m grateful she was right. Tiny triumphs bring endless joy to a parent -- watching them successfully snow plow down Huff Hills for the first time, say an unprompted prayer for a hurting grandparent, play a new song on the guitar or sound out a tough word. These are the small treasures that bring endless joy to a parent

It’s a crazy job, filled with heartache and laughter, worry, doubt, and a whole lot of joy. Experience would be helpful, but isn’t necessary -- you’ll get plenty of on the job training.